In search for independence and perhaps enlightenment, I have this proclivity to drive wayward, and to let loose till I drop…to the point wherein I don’t know what I am doing anymore. Attempting to control my tear ducts from bursting in public transport twice is what I needed to learn certain life lessons, and more concretely, to suffice as a caveat from doing anything beyond bounds just to ‘find myself”.

I don’t know if days when I couldn’t care less about anything are helpful, or an avenue to seek adventure in a foolish situation at a wrong time. Or is ‘finding yourself’ a sufficient reason to do something stupid? Living life is that perplexing.

What on earth was I thinking? Sometimes stupidity needs to yield its equivalent consequence/s to emphasize a life lesson, and more concretely to suffice as a caveat if I succumb to it again in the future. I (unintentionally) made irrational decisions to find answers, not to disappoint anyone. It sucks that just recently..I pumped up blood pressures and caused headaches with my inane miscalculations.

Maybe I needed that for a total refresh. I needed to get bricked, and let the painful swelling lead me back on track.

Give me time and space to figure out things. Please don’t jump into conclusions hastily. I’d rather deal with any other problem than losing one’s most coveted and treasured trust.

That’s exactly what I want to change about myself, sans the definite time frame. I’d like to work on my commitment issues to my various goals towards excellence and happiness. I diagnose myself with, in colloquial term, ningas kugon. Such local idiom is a bad Filipino trait of declining enthusiasm at a task or a certain objective.

I told myself to read eight pages of literature everyday; I did for a week. I once told myself to do 200 sit-ups everyday to eliminate my growing tummy fat; I obliged for three days. I told myself to stop being petty and ignore everyone’s annoying quirks; I unfortunately never followed myself.

Strong commitment is what I need to stop disappointing myself. One common misconception of commitment is confinement. It definitely won’t cloister nor hinder me from other options; but instead, it will sharpen my leverage and clear my thoughts. It will therefore liberate me from uncertainties, and know my priorities. This principle takes huge investment of discipline and passion, but I know I will go places beyond my reach if I master this.

Another big dilemma I’m in at the moment is to answer this question: What do I really want? I have to no idea where to commit in a long-term basis. There are actually three different fields I’m interested in. One is the pragmatic, the one that I think I’m good at; the other is the bad-ass fun; the last one is what I think the most fulfilling. Other people are saying that I should just jump on the latter, and believe me…I couldn’t imagine myself doing it. The second option is already cancelled for some reasons. Let’s just say I just found out in an excruciating way that it’s not for me. But my silly self still wants to inculcate it in my career path.

I’m so attached to the first one right now, letting go is never an option. Letting it slide off my path will never happen because I see myself in it in the future. I’m safe here, why would I bother crossing that wobbly bridge.

But the problem is…there’s something missing. A tinge of color, a spark perhaps, I can’t tell. It’s really complicated. You see, when I imagine myself committing to the first one, I don’t feel excited nor fulfilled. I just know that there is something lacking, and I gotta find it out soon enough.

What I intend to do is to merge them three…and lo and behold, I don’t know how to start. All I know that, it’s a crazy and outrageous option! But usually, the happiest and the most successful people are the crazy and the outrageous ones!

I don’t know how on earth am I gonna pull that off! Or where in the world would I get resources and inspiration. I don’t even know what I’m truly passionate about. I don’t know what God is telling me that I’ve been ignoring, or I haven’t been starting doing. If let’s say I’ve got to solve my commitment issues, where would I use it? Fog of perplexity and dust of uncertainty seem to be blocking my view now to the answer.

Perhaps one principle that would swoosh off the fog and dust is risk-taking, a sidekick of commitment. I would be needing that if I decided to fly off to the answer. There is no sure thing in this world, thus one way of gauging a person’s aptitude is how he handles risks. This is one of my newest resolutions I’d want to venture, because you see how law of attraction is becoming too mainstream (lmaooo). My greatest leaps, notwithstanding their outcome, would soon define who I am. I’d love to take baby steps in practicing (calculated) risk-taking by living every day to the fullest, at my best.

Committing to a passion I’m willing to risk everything for. Difficult, terrifying and time-consuming, but worth a try.

Why did I let laziness run my life? How did I let media dictate my thoughts and manipulate my perspectives? Why did I let my brain rot in laziness and foolishness? Why did I let myself join the bandwagon of dipping one’s feet in shallow waters? Why did waste a lot of time?

I am so better than this. What I want right now is to bring my old, enthusiastic self. That self who blogs almost everyday and doesn’t give a damn about attention, public opinion about her and whatnot. That self who yearns to steer away from popular interests and enjoy being different. I’ll be a hypocrite if I’d say I hate anything mainstream, which, let me clarify, I don’t. What I actually hate and am scared of is losing myself — letting others tattoo their insights on my arm.

And I think it’s slowly happening.

Take note, back-to-basic and more forgiving don’t necessarily mean easy. Of all the transitional periods I’ve gone through so far, this would be the most unbearable…well almost thankfully. Let’s just say that my first taste of college life, on a personal note, dampened my astronomical pride way below sea level. I was shocked myself.

Since I’ve already written a midterm synthesis months ago, I will just type my heart out some realizations that were born on or before the (slightly diabolic) challenging finals.

Leverage can be entailed by coalescing two mediums. Restricting yourself to one medium in achieving  a goal can be a pain in the neck. In high school, you have learned how to dissect poems in pure English, or Filipino. College totally changed my paradigm in that facet of learning. My professor in Filipino is so effective in incorporating the two languages in our close-reading sessions. Because of his dire genius, I’ve got to discern the difference between the concrete earth and the abstract world; the similarities of glory (luwalhati) and grief (dalamhati); and the architecture and interiors of any literary work. Notwithstanding any letter grade I might get for this subject, I truly enjoyed Filipino 11 because of all these newfound insights.

I’d rather die than live in a postmodernistic world. There exists a movement beyond modernism — postmodernism; aside from the mindfuck it gave me, I’ve also got to learn how to chew its similarities and digest its differences. Both movement questions existence and provokes thought from thinkers of all specialties. If lethargy won’t overwhelm my willpower, I’d love to write a separate synthesis discussing this two interesting movements. But first, let me at least give you an overview.

‘I think, therefore, I am.’ Modernism is coined by Rene Descartes, believing that he knows nothing else but his ability to think. In contrast to medieval thinking of worship, this movement primarily concerns about identity, unity and certainty.  Modernist thinking focuses more on our inner selves and our deep-seated emotions, accompanied by a tinge of religious innuendo, or anything that shaped our identity. What paved the way to postmodernist thinking is believed to be Nietzche’s ‘God is dead,’ and ubermensch (superhuman) idealogies.

Nietzche believed that rooted from our civilization, man created the idea of a supreme being to represent truth, goodness and beauty; not only its serves as our source of faith but our authoritative law-giver as well. Thus, we should kill that restriction that shaped our character to become a superhuman, or a man-God — the real goal of humanity. Existence of deities is deemed to prevent mankind from practicing their freedom.

If the idea of supreme being is killed, the ideas of truth, goodness and beauty are also killed. Postmodernism, vis-a-vis, revolves around chaos and uncertainty. Everything is meant to be questioned. Everything is viewed beyond perspectives of a plane, but in a multitude of spaces. Do you really exist? Where do you exist? Is that really you in your FaceBook profile, or your alter-ego, or already someone else? Do you really own the money you put in your bank account, or does it belong to the bank now? Mind-boggling, thought-provoking questions like that are under the huge, developing umbrella of this movement.

I also enjoyed Literature class because aside from too much mindfuck, it helped me think critically. The most contrasting of things can be blended into coherent concoction. A drop of magic can emphasize reality in a work of fiction, vice versa. Both opposing modes are important because the purpose of literature anyway is both to entertain and to send a message across an audience. ‘dulce et utile’ (sweet and useful)

Hardwork is not enough. Math 11 class made me realize that you will only excel in something you love to do; and unfortunately, math is not one of them. It’s kind of obvious how I would prefer any subject over all kinds of Maths. No matter what I do and how long I study, I still get low grades because I kept on anticipating the class-ender bell every fucking session. I also think my test-taking skills are flawed. I should change this I know I know!! I should believe I’m good, better, best in Math! Slapped hard by reality, I just want to at least mentally train myself to love math, so it would reciprocate its love back by a higher mark.

Be aware. If Literature class helped me think deeper, English class helped me to think wider. English 11 class opened my eyes to relevant issues on global, national and local scales, from abandoned elephants in Kenya, feminist rights to the newfound cure on HIV. Because of this class, I’m considering to fulfill my resolution of browsing over journals and online newspapers like National Georgraphic and NY/LA Times during my pastime instead of lurking on nonsensical yet funny sites like 9gag. Aside from this, this class inspired me to improve on my craft more by appreciating others’ talents.

Be nice to other people. A simple act of kindness is reimbursed tenfold. Regardless of looks, brains, brawns, and social status, treat your colleagues equally nice and judgement-free, if you want to be treated the same. Right now, I want to detoxify myself from judging people too much; hence, this tops the list of my resolutions next semester. Teehee.

I may not able to achieve one of my main goals this sem; I planned to beat the odds next sem, notwithstanding a more elevated difficulty, by just keeping hope alive, and being better. My mantras for life!

White puddles of
excruciating yet
nonsensical pain

seem to check in
anywhere
in your oral cavity.

Big, small,
round or elongated
winter lakes
of agony

houses
millions of evil
bacteria
fueled by
filthy negligence.

Procrastination

Although inspired,
feet are tired,
armpits are perspired,
milk is expired,
folks are retired
I am fired;

this poem
will be wired
tomorrow.

Cream-colored, virgin pulp,
scraped from shaved trunk,
weaved into soft, thin sheets,

Sometimes engraved with
intricate patterns
usually in teardrops
flora and fauna;
Or just plain smooth,

Cleanly folded or,
infinitely rolled,

Tumultuously snatched,
Desperately grabbed, and
infinitely unrolled,

to wipe off such filthy crap
beneath your bottom.

Two Posters

Caught one roll of poster
crumpled since distribution
as six, lackluster stones
try to burst like stars.

Smaller than the mundane
worth a hundred nothing
such space filler
weathered by time and dust.

Traded my last gold coins
for a standard-size poster
as five prime stars continue
to burst like wildfire.

Worth is nurtured,
preserved by a clean-cut frame
main attraction of the wall today
great appreciation in time.